Here I am. In my dorm room. Awake. At 2AM. My roommate, Rachel, is snoozing behind me and sleep-talking every once in a while. She's a good sport, always very patient as I keep the lamp on during my late nights here in Bruce Hall. :)
This seems to be my life lately. A lot of late night studying, waking up within ten minutes of class starting, squeezing in a shower during my lunch break between classes, and zooming off to pick up my kiddos from school right afterward! As much as I do the same thing over and over, I promise you, it's never truly the "same old, same old." There is no such thing in my life these days. :)
First of all, the kids I nanny every afternoon are adopted. They've been through more than a 6 and 7 year old should, and now BELONG to a wonderful set of parents who take care of them, keep them safe, and LOVE them like they deserve. These kiddos always have some kind of new adventure/drama/issue/scheme up their sleeve for me to try to figure out. There's never a slow day! I've worked with kids a LOT over my short lifetime, but never any quite like these. These two are crazy and hyper, they constantly misbehave, challenge me, push the limits.. they rarely listen the first time, they do things they shouldn't, and don't do the things they should. They fight, they argue, they whine. And I love them. They've captured my heart. I love getting my goodbye hugs every day, and seeing those two little blonde heads looking up at me with smiles on their faces. I love it when they sing along to the worship songs in the car, or start singing all on their own. I love feeling so proud of them when they get good grades, have a good day at school, or do something kind without being asked. I love having too many pictures of fish, hearts, dragons, and more fish that they've drawn me than I could ever have room to hang on my wall.
You wanna know the kicker?-- Out of all the churches I've been to, all the sermons I've heard, and all the retreats I've been to... They've taught me the most about God and my relationship with Him. The thing is, they're just like me. They're just like all of us. We all whine, we all fight, we all figuratively (maybe sometimes literally!) slump in our chairs and cross our arms when we don't get our way. We argue with God when we don't want to do what He says we ought, even though we know He knows best. We see how much we can "get away with." God says "don't do that" and we give him the pushing-the-limits-sideglance and do it anyway. And you know what? He loves us the same. He will scold, reprimand, and let us suffer the consequences of our actions, but His love never fails. When we fight and argue, He remains patient and merciful. When we become angry, He is gracious. And, He loves seeing my little blonde head looking up and smiling at Him, genuinely loving Him. He loves walking and talking with me. He loves the hundreds of silly letters I write to Him. He keeps me safe, He protects me from harm. He provides for me, blesses, me, and calls me His own. You get the picture. :) It is just the most beautiful, challenging, heart-wrenching, fulfilling thing I've ever done, to spend time with these kids.
One story of how God has spoken to me through this experience. My little 6 year old girl struggles with controlling her emotions. One time, she disobeyed something quite small, but big enough to earn her a time-out. The rule is, you go to your room for 6 minutes, and then you can come out. Time out does not start, however, until she is calm and quiet. It is a simple enough rule, right? Guess again. This little front-toothless wonder doesn't go down without a fight. She will try to run, fight, kick, argue, yell, etc... just to avoid six minutes in her room. Some days she cools her jets a little quicker than others, but this particular day, she was revved and ready to go. She was not going to serve her time-out sentence. She was going to be the boss and stay in the living room with us. This doesn't work with Miss Hannah. The rules are the rules, and Miss Hannah doesn't bend. ;) After about 15 or so minutes of persistent arguing, my little girl begins to cry, "Please forgive me Miss Hannah! Please! You gotta just forgive me!" So, I calmly peeked my head in the door and said, "Listen, I forgive you. But you cannot come out of here until you are obedient." Immediately after the words left my mouth, I couldnt help but to let out a little laugh. I realized there are so many times in my life I feel I'm in this distant place from the Lord. I've done something to step outside His will or I'm not doing something I should be obedient in. I feel alone, I feel sad, I feel like something just isn't right. And I'll cry, and I'll whine, and I'll complain and ask God "Why, why, WHY do I feel this way?!" I ask God to forgive me, but I kindly let Him know that I have no intention of giving up my fight. I want out of time out MY way. Then He calmly says to me, "Daughter, I forgive you. But you can't come out of this place until you are obedient." And until I calm myself down and decide to obey what He has asked me to do (which is always in my best interest anyway), I will remain in that place. Just like I tell my little girl how she is in control of how long her time-out lasts, I am in control of how long I will be distanced from the Lord. See, the thing is, when I/we feel distant from God, it's never HIM who has done the moving. Praise You Lord, for your eternal faithfulness.
Well, this has turned out to be a much longer post than I anticipated. :) Such is my life these days, so extremely full that I feel like I may bust at the seams!
I do have more to say, about an awesome book I just read, about my church family and what we're doing, and about family things! However, I doubt too many have even made it through this novel of a blog post to care anyway. ;)
Digging Deeper,
Hannah
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